autophobia: the fear of being alone or of loneliness.
this has always been my biggest fear since i was a little kid. i’ve never been able to be home alone after the incident. my home was broken into when i was just 12 years old. it all happened so quickly and it was one of the scariest things that have ever happened to me. even at 17 years old i can’t be home alone. i can’t stand to just be alone i always have to be with someone at all times out of the fear of something bad happening to me and i have no one to go to or even something good happening and i have no one to celebrate with.
being alone. two words i hate but i also strive to overcome it.
i don’t know how to write different then i usually do. what makes other people’s writing different? everyone has their own way of saying things but how do you change that for yourself? i wanted to write about the way we see other people and how people view us.
we will really never know how people see us. how people look at us, and what their initial impressions are. i mean we can always ask but will it always be honest?
it’s funny how as a kid we always dream about growing up and being like the big kids. but as soon as you grow up, you no longer want to be a big kid. you’d rather be running around with your friends outside while playing tag and not having to worry about anything. where we weren’t flooded in homework. where we aren’t stressed about an AP test that determines our grade. where we aren’t working 15 hours a week while trying to manage school, family, friends, sports and anything else that might be in your life.
but now we are big kids. we’re still in our tender age. still learning and growing each and every day and we need to live in the moment.
i’m not really sure what to write. i dont have many scary stories and i dont know much about skeletons and dinosaurs, so i decided to write what i wrote in my journal for the skeleton entry.
masks are dumb.
masks don’t do anything.
we should stop wearing masks.
as we walked down the road, we slowed down our stride;
i looked at you longingly, while you sighed.
the skies got gray and cold; while my heart sank down in my soul.
you said you wanted to talk about something; my brain couldn’t stop thinking about all the reasons why you stopped walking.
your eyes filled with tears and you started to cry; about how you didn’t want to ever leave my side.
we hugged as tight as we could; and we would never let go.
as we walked down that red brick road.
hats day was the best day of writing i’ve had. we were able to see things from a different perspective, a different view, a different mind with every song that played. a different thought for every place we stood, sat, stood on, walked. best writing day ever
a year ago today, we were feeling the fall air without seeing everyone wear a mask. march 13th, 2020 will be the day we dread for the rest of our lives. the day we were told that we couldn’t leave our houses unless for necessary items. we couldn’t go to school, we couldn’t see our friends, family, loved ones. the greatest pandemic anyone has ever seen still goes on 8 months later. who knows when it’s going to end. nobody knows but hopefully soon
it felt like yesterday that september was just starting. and now we are in october. it felt like yesterday that we were going to school every single day instead of every two days and only seeing so many people. i miss the days where a pandemic didn’t exist. i miss september
today is the day that we become someone we want to be. today is the day we help someone out. today is the day you become you. today is the day that we love ourselves
loving you was the hardest thing i ever did. i was scared. broken. completely confused. but you taught me that i didn’t need to love immediately. you taught me that i did in fact love you i just didn’t know how to express it. and once i did i lost you forever.